The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control

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I also realized that if I could be a perfectionist, me, the woman who could never find her phone and who extolled the work of social scientist extraordinaire Dr. Brené Brown to people behind her in line at the grocery store, then anybody could be a perfectionist and not even know it. What exactly was happening here? Adaptives mobilize their perfectionism to work for them. They understand ideal visions are supposed to inspire, not be brought to life down to the last detail. They enjoy the process instead of obsessing over the outcome. They can handle failure because they learn from mistakes. They tend to have high self-esteem, solid relationships, and an overall sense of fulfillment.

From psychotherapist Katherine Morgan Schafler, an invitation to every “recovering perfectionist” to challenge the way they look at perfectionism, and the way they look at themselves. An intense perfectionist writes it, hates it, and then channels her frustration into aggression about something entirely unrelated. In the most basic sense, managing your perfectionism looks like becoming aware of the core impulse all perfectionists reflexively experience: noticing room for improvement-Hmm, this could be better-and then consciously responding to that reflex instead of unconsciously reacting to it. Perfectionists are people who consistently notice the difference between an ideal and a reality, and who strive to maintain a high degree of personal accountability. This results in the perfectionist experiencing, more often than not, a compulsion to bridge the gulf between reality and an ideal themselves. But this perspective is too narrow, and the judgment is flat-out wrong. There are many shades of perfectionism, and none of them is a problem to be solved. They are all gifts. A second Trump term would be a watershed in a way the first was not. Victory would confirm his most destructive instincts about power. His plans would encounter less resistance. And because America will have voted him in while knowing the worst, its moral authority would decline. The election will be decided by tens of thousands of voters in just a handful of states. In 2024 the fate of the world will depend on their ballots. ■

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An accessible, actionable guide for how to aim high without overthinking or punishing yourself along the way. This book is a must-read for anxious achievers who want to remain ambitious but could operate with a bit more self-compassion." Claire repeated the water-bead sweep with the cup she had brought me before setting it down on my desk and saying, "I know we talked about it." Switching her tone to a perky whisper and with a half wink, she added, "But I also know you'll drink it after I leave." Then she sat in the exact same place on the couch that she sat in every week, but that's not a classic perfectionist thing; everyone does that. Picture the typical perfectionist. Most see someone who needs everything to be perfect all the time, and who gets upset when it isn’t. Most see perfectionism as a problem. In the cons corner, classic perfectionists have difficulty adjusting to schedule changes, big or small, and they tend to experience spontaneity as stressful. An itinerary-centered existence doesn't lend itself to discovering new and unexpected pleasures, and creating formulaic systems for dealing with family, work, friends, and more-with little room for organic expansion or any margin for error-can rob these perfectionists of the opportunity to grow in a way that isn't planned or goal-oriented. From an emerging thought leader, an irresistible invitation to reclaim your natural state of wholeness, your joy and your life."

When left unchallenged, the perfectionist mindset hooks itself on the motive to perfect (as opposed to improve upon or accept) that which could be made better. This impulse to enhance evolves into a belief that urgently wallpapers itself on all sides of the perfectionist's mind, including the ceiling and floor: "I need something to be different about this moment before I can be satisfied." Some books will advise you to murder your perfectionism. You will be told it’s an illness that needs to be cured. You will be advised to purposely miss deadlines, run late, and color outside the lines. Only because Claire chose to let me in did I have any inkling that there was turmoil under the surface. Highly self-disciplined, classic perfectionists are adept at presenting in a uniform way, making it difficult to take their emotional temperature. Are they thrilled? Enraged? Having the best orgasm of their life? Who knows. They're either stoic or smiling as if they're about to have their picture taken. While it's easy to interpret this engagement style as inauthentic or closed off, it's anything but. The mental health field doesn’t have a comprehensive definition for perfectionism. It is, however, accepted that perfectionists constantly notice the gap between reality and some ideal, and they constantly want to take responsibility for bridging that gap. Many, although not all, mental health professionals also accept that perfectionism can be broken down into two categories – adaptive and maladaptive.Instead, you will be told perfectionism is power. You will learn about the different shapes that power takes, and how to harness it. You will be advised to adapt to your perfectionism so it doesn’t mutate into a monster. You will exchange seeking the superficial control that comes with misunderstood and mistreated perfectionism for the life-changing force that is adaptive perfectionism. I started to reverse engineer perfectionism, turn it inside out. In examining my own perfectionism and diving into the years I spent working with perfectionists, clear patterns emerged-five distinct presentations of one core concept, the five types of perfectionists. Combining vivid storytelling, rigorous research, and deep analysis, Morgan Schafler provides a practical guide that can help you learn, thrive, and flourish.” Also, the systematic way of operating that classic perfectionists default to doesn't encourage a spirit of collaboration, flexibility, or openness to external influence-qualities that help us build connections. The risk of this interpersonal style is that it can unintentionally generate relationships that veer towards the superficial and transactional. In turn, classic perfectionists can be left feeling excluded, misunderstood, and underappreciated for all that they do. Morgan Schafler lays bare provocative new insights into how "perfectionism" is often just code for "women excelling too much," and identifies the strategies and mindset every high-achieving woman needs to quell her inner critic and embrace her true talents."

A valuable, much-needed perspective that gives you permission to be more in a world that's telling you to be less.”A procrastinator perfectionist would experience immense difficulty writing this sentence because it comes at the beginning of a book about perfectionism and, accordingly, needs to be perfect (and there's no better first sentence than the one a procrastinator perfectionist imagines in her head but never actually writes down). Author Katherine Morgan Schafler is a self-described perfectionist who specializes in working with perfectionists as a New York City psychotherapist. In The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, Schafler delves into layers of mental health issues that help support her theories on perfectionism. This Blink won’t go that deep. It will focus on Schafler’s five types of perfectionists, the number-one problem for all perfectionists, and how to adapt to your perfectionism successfully. Abroad, Mr Trump’s first term was better than expected. His administration provided weapons to Ukraine, pursued a peace deal between Israel, the UAE and Bahrain, and scared European countries into raising their defence spending. America’s policy towards China became more hawkish. If you squint, another transactional presidency could bring some benefits. Mr Trump’s indifference to human rights might make the Saudi government more biddable once the Gaza war is over, and strengthen relations with Narendra Modi’s government in India. But a second term would be different, because the world has changed. There is nothing wrong in countries being transactional: they are bound to put their own interests first. However, Mr Trump’s lust for a deal and his sense of America’s interests are unconstrained by reality and unanchored by values. I love a book that starts by normalizing the reader's current experience. We don't need to be fixed, we just need a gentle guide to show us how to work with our unique personalities. This book would be my first recommendation to anyone struggling with perfectionism."