Heathers the Musical

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Students: W hine. Go on and bitch and moan. Students: W hine. You don’t deserve the dream. Students: W hine. You’re gonna die alone . Heather D and the students close in on Heather M.. Heather D, Students: D ie alone, die alone, Die alone, die alone! Heather M chugs the contents of the bottle. Heather D and the students dissipate. Veronica runs onstage. No! No, no, stop, stop! Veronica and Heather fall to the ground, and Heather starts crying. Suicide is a private thing! Throwing your life away to be a statistic in USA Today? That's like the least private thing I can think of. But what about Heather and Ram and Kurt? If everyone jumped off a bridge, young lady, would you? Heather nods, ashamed. Probably. Veronica takes Heather's hand. If you were happy every single day of your life, then you wouldn't be a human, you'd be a game show host. Heather spits out the pills. Thanks for coming after me. You're welcome. Elsewhere, rumours destroy reputations overnight, a plot device that works even better re-watched from the internet age. Final scenes include JD detonating a suicide bomber vest. That’s still marginally milder than the alternate ending in which the entire school blows up and they all go to prom, as social equals, in heaven. Or the unfilmed scene that would have seen Martha stab Veronica and call her Heather, leaving Veronica to gasp her dying words: “My name’s not Heather, you bitch!” BOY 1: BELEAGUERED GEEK – (16-18) An embittered social outcast. Voice: baritone (up to F#) or tenor (up to A).

ISBN978-0-573-70382-9 www.SamuelFrench.com www.SamuelFrench-London.co.uk FOR PRODUCTION ENQ.UIRIES UNITED STATES AND CANADA Replace “Blue” with “You're Welcome,” a new song created by the authors that adds Veronica's perspective. JASON DEAN (JD) - 17. He is darkly charismatic, compelling, attractive, charming on the outside yet very damaged on the inside. Keen smarts and strong inventive comedy. Voice: Strong, confident belt to at least an Ab, A preferable; wide emotional range. VERONICA’S MOM - Easygoing, distant, yet capable of laying down the law. Voice: Great belt up to C, higher always welcome.

JASON “J.D.” DEAN – (17) Darkly charismatic, compelling, attractive. Charming on the outside, damaged on the inside. Keen smarts, savage wit. Voice: strong, confident belt to at least an A♭, A preferable; wide emotional range. I can't believe you actually came. It's exciting, right? Oh, excuse me, I want to say hello to Ram. I brought sparkling cider! Showing up here took some guts, Time to rip them out. Heather D holds up the pig piñata. Well, who's this pig remind you of? Especially the snout. Ha! Heather: D ang, dang, diggity­dang­a­dang! Dang, dang, diggity­dang­a­dang! The Heathers exit with the piñata. Martha approaches Ram. Where the hell are those freshman? Hi, Ram. Uh, I wasn't gonna come, but since you took the time to write that sweet note... Ram grabs the sparking cider from Martha. What note? Why do you gotta be so weird all the time? People wouldn't hate you so much if you acted normal. He chugs the cider, but spits it out almost immediately. There's no alcohol in here! Are you trying to poison me? Students: D ang, dang, diggity­dang­a­dang! Dang, dang, diggity­dang­a­dang! Dang, dang, diggity­dang­a­dang! Diggity­dang­a­dang! The folks are gone, It's time for big fun! Big fun! We're up till dawn, Having some big fun! Big fun! So let the speakers blow, They'll buy another stereo. Our folks got no clue, 'Bout all the shit their children do. Why are they surprised, Whenever we're unsupervised? Holy shit! Veronica looks into the mug and is horrified. Oh my God. Oh my God! Don’t just stand there, call 911! It’s a little late for that. Heather! Heather. Heather. Oh my God. Oh my God, I just killed my best friend! And your worst enemy. Same difference! I mean­ the police are gonna think that I did this on purpose. Oh my God, they’re gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin. Unless… Oh, look, she was reading “The Bell Jar”. Oh no. Oh, yes. You can fake her handwriting. Just make it sound deep. Like this: I had pain in my path, Like Silvia Plath, My problems were myriad­ I was having my period. Veronica laughs at her own joke for longer than necessary before realizing the dead body on the floor and screaming. Oh my God! You think this is funny? You could go to jail! Get your head on straight, now! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Heather would never use the word myriad because she missed it on her vocab quiz last week. So, it’s a badge for her failures at school. Work with me. Okay, okay. Um. Where do I start? Think. Long and hard. What would she say? What’s her­ her final statement to a cold, uncaring planet? Veronica grabs a pad of paper and starts writing. Uh, Dear World, uh… Shipped with (or after) Rehearsal Material. This must be hired as a condition of the License to produce this show.

OFFICER MILNER BIG BUD DEAN - JD’s single Dad. Big jolly personality that barely conceals the enormous rage bubbling just below the surface. Quite possibly a serial bomber. HEATHER DUKE - 17. Whipping-girl of the 3 Heathers. When she finally becomes Queen Bee, she wields power like a bulldozer.RAM’S DAD: Former football player turned suburban dad, has never outgrown his high school glory days. Hates weakness, but capable of soul-searching when tragedy strikes. JD - 17. he is darkly charismatic, compelling, attractive, charming on the outside yet very damaged on the inside. Keen smarts and strong inventive comedy. I'm hugging my knees, And the captain is pointing. Well, who made her captain? Still, the weakest must go. The tiniest lifeboat Full of people I know. The tiniest lifeboat Full of people I know. What's your damage, Heather? Are you saying Westerburg is not a nice place? Ms. Fleming: Heather! Where's your school spirit? You don't deserve to wear our school colors. The students close in on Heather M, and Ms. Fleming tries to push Heather Duke away. Ms. Fleming: Let’s not be mean spirited­ Why don't you hop in your little lifeboat and catch a gnarly wave over to Remington? Ms. Fleming: Alright, alright, calm it down… Girl 1: Aw, Heather's going to cry. Heather M runs off stage. Ms. Fleming: Young lady, you are suspended! Turn the cameras off. Turn them off, goddamnit. Is that all you care about? TV cameras? JD enters. Ms. Fleming: I care about saving lives! Heather Duke ruined a valuable teaching! Valuable? None of us want this spectacle, to be experimented on like guinea pigs and patronized like bunny rabbits! Heather C enters (only visible/audible to Veronica). Ms. Fleming: I don't patronize bunny rabbits! This is their big secret Veronica, the adults are powerless. Heather trusted you. You said that you would protect her. They can't help us. Nobody can help us. HEATHER DUKE - 17. Whipping-girl of the 3 Heathers. When she finally becomes Queen Bee she wields power like a bulldozer. Alto for chorus. Voice: Strong belt to C, D preferred. Alto for chorus. NOTE: in certain choral songs Heather Duke and Mac can switch vocal parts as needed.

HEATHER CHANDLER – (17) The richest, hottest, cruelest girl in town. Relishes power and wields it without fear, patience, or mercy. Voice: strong belt to F or higher preferred. Mezzo for chorus. NOTE: In certain choral songs, CHANDLER can switch parts with the other HEATHERS as needed. Speaking to Interview magazine in 2016, Winona Ryder revealed that they almost didn't cast her: "They thought I wasn't pretty enough," she said. "They were trying to get Jennifer Connelly." Ryder, who was 16 during the shoot, had to beg to be chosen ahead of Connelly and Family Ties' Justine Bateman.Voice: Tenor, strong belt to Ab or A, some Falsetto. Note: In certain songs Ram and Kurt can switch choral assignment if, say, Ram sings higher than Kurt. HEATHER CHANDLER - 17. Richest, hottest, most magnetic, cruelest girl in town. Relishes power and wields it like a scalpel – no fear, no patience, no mercy. Also plays Dead Heather Chandler. Voice: Strong belt to F or higher preferred. Mezzo for chorus. NOTE: In certain choral songs Chandler can switch parts with her other Heathers as needed. there’s a river of pressure that keeps building up and it really hurts! I mean, it’s science, y’know?